Independence

How do you feel about the idea of wanting someone in your life, yet not wanting to feel a need for them, when it comes to forming a relationship? In this song, Neyo – Miss Independent, Neyo sings this, “…Said ooh it’s somethin’ about a kinda woman that want you but don’t need you…“. Neyo, and many other men, feel that being an independent woman is attractive. Hey, I don’t think it’s nothing wrong with that, but I also feel that people (men and women), in a way, need to question their desires when they are looking to form or have a successful intimate relationship, and yet at the same time, want to be independent.

All relationships are formed because both people want something from the other person; it could be that they are looking for someone to talk to, spend time with, to network with, or they are looking for a sexual relationship, or whatever. However, the best relationships I’ve seen are that way because both people have a great dependency and need for each other. You know, if any of my friends every told me, “Hey man, I love my girl because she completes me.”, then I would definitely know that he is in love.. just because of how he communicated his feelings. I feel that the more you need someone in your life, the greater the chance that you will have a successful relationship.

But, I’m beginning to see more and more people wanting love, yet also at the same time not wanting to allow themselves to have a need or strong desire for someone else; fearing rejection or maybe fearing being in love, and all that comes with it. I find myself in this category sometimes. Nevertheless, as we all age… the need, the longing in your soul for a committed meaningful relationship becomes greater. And those who fear being in love, or being in a relationship, just begin to form close bonds with their pet(s).

Today I was with a friend, and we were in a grocery store (Trader Joe’s) and she helped this elderly Asian man just out of the kindness of her heart, who was handicapped, driving in a power-chair pushing his groceries along the floor. I just looked, and thought to myself, “Awwe… that was nice.” And, after we left the store and were walking down the sidewalk, we came to an intersection and we saw the same elderly Asian man again in his power-chair crossing the street. At that time, she then said, “Oh, I wish I could help him.” And, though I had compassion for the man, I immediately thought to myself, “Why does she want to help him, and not the guy begging for money that we just passed, or one of the other strangers that have walked passed us, and may need help?“

Though I knew that she wanted to help him just because he was handicapped, I also saw that she reached out to him because she knew that he needed her help. And, I have seen it to be true that a lot of women would rather give their selves, or be with men who need them, than be bothered with men who don’t need them, but simply want them. What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you just want someone, or do you need them?

Beauty and Attraction

There are so many things in life which are beautiful, which I pass by everyday. I know that I don’t live in the Garden of Eden, but there are times when I smile because I stopped to notice the spontaneous innocent words of a young child, or the natural contours of a well-aged oak tree, or when I go outside and experience the beautiful breezy cool weather of southern California.

I had a random thought, as I saw a young girl wearing some tight leggings, walking down the sidewalk. Now, this wasn’t something special or anything, because basically all females, young and old, are wearing either tight jeans or some type of skin tight leggings. Anyway… just looking at her, I was a little confused. Because I was definitely attracted to her hair and her body, but overall I didn’t think she was attractive… and that’s just my opinion. So, I asked myself the question…

“What do you regard as beautiful, and what do you think is attractive?”

Beauty: So, now I’m thinking to myself, “What do I regard as beautiful?” Honestly, I feel that there are a lot of beautiful people in this world. So that means that being beautiful doesn’t necessarily correlate with physical beauty. It has more to do with someone’s emotions, what they care about, character, or personality.  

Attraction: I love women. And, though I love and am attracted to women of color, I think that all women have something attractive about them, regardless of how they look. I think what makes a woman attractive, has a lot to do with her compatibility with me, and less to do with how society views her. Since I’m not that experienced sexually, I’m not really that attracted to women that dress really sexy, or project a certain type of sexual appeal.

Looking at that young lady walking down the sidewalk, wearing her designer leggings… I can easily discern that she wore those clothes to get attention. I just don’t know if these young women truly understand the difference between being beautiful and being attractive; and that the image someone portrays, will directly affect the type of attention they receive.

When it comes to the topic of beauty and attraction and how it intertwines with my feelings towards women… my mind conceptualizes the difference between them both, in this quote, “I like her because she’s attractive, but I love you because you’re beautiful”.

Life

One thing I’ll never forget, are my Uncle Howard’s lectures on life. And tonight, I’m thinking about my life and where I’m going in it… I was just speaking with a friend about life. And I just wanted to express some feelings on four general facets that weave and form the fabric of life: your HEALTH, your finances or MONEY, your interests or things that are your PERSONAL FULFILLMENT’S, and your RELATIONSHIPS (spiritual and physical).

Don’t sweat the small stuff

I know that as I wake up each day to live my life, I choose to do so with purpose. If you think about it, every person in this world has the desire to do three things every day, irregardless if they can do it or not… eat, drink, and sleep. Yet, even though those are the basic necessities for everyday living, does life revolve around eating, drinking, and sleeping? I hope not. Well, for some, maybe… but, it doesn’t for me.

I believe my life has more purpose than just surviving and being alive. The two things which I feel I value the most, and place most of my time into are: my HEALTH, and my RELATIONSHIPS (my relationship with God, and sharing love with my friends and family). I know not everyone feels this way, but I feel that the daily attention you give to your health and your relationships should be more important than your daily pursuit for money. One reason I feel this way, is because money can’t buy either one of them. Everyone has heard it said, that money can’t buy love; and if your friends are with you just for your money, then let me tell you, they aren’t your real friends. And if money could buy good health, Steve Jobs would still be alive, running Apple.

I feel that a lot of people have their idea of life formed around the concept that it takes money to live a life worth living. Think about that…  Almost half of the world’s population live on less than $2.50 a day! And, yeah… I know it takes money to live the type of life that will allow you to do the things you want to do. But, I will not allow myself to feel as if my life is worthless, just because I’m not making a certain amount of money.

So, why do people waste most of their time focusing on any one of the four, be it either health, money, personal fulfillment’s, or relationships? I feel when you’re trying to manage your time and find direction in life, it’s all about choosing a lifestyle that gives attention to all four of them. Because they all are very important when you are trying to fill your life with substance in the present, while also being wise and planning your life for the future.

Communication and Attraction

As I’m beginning my preliminary routine before I get in bed, to prepare myself to go to sleep, a thought entered my mind and I ask myself this question which I still have no answer to…, “Why am I still 33 and single?” It’s one of those questions that you wish you knew, but then again, you might not want to know the true answer. Because most likely, regardless of who was at fault in past relationships, results of poor decisions or life’s unforeseen circumstances… I still know that a part of the answer is because of who I am as a person. Which could be personal issues with vanity, character flaws, social personality uniqueness, or maybe it’s that I could be attracted to wrong type of women.

Last week, as I was chatting with a girl that I talk with on occasion… we were having a conversation where she got in touch with me to talk about her feelings, she called me “arrogant” or “egotistical” for no reason, as I was giving her my time where I was listening to her, trying to encourage her, give her some wisdom, and speak into her life. Though I forgive her, she ticked me off! After she sent me that text message, I looked back and I thought to myself, “What was it that made me attracted to this girl to even speak to her in the first place? Though I have a lot of female friends, and a lot of people I know in general; nonetheless, am I so desperate for female attention that I seek out relationships with women who demean me?” The reality is… I have the opportunity, the social cultural diversity, the intelligence, and the personality to talk to a lot of different women. And, I don’t have issues finding women who are attracted to me. All in all, I have my own theories about my personal life and reasons behind my single life up until present time.

I know that I’m not the only person who notices that our current generation of young people are marrying less and are waiting longer to even start relationships. I remember in my teenage years they referred to us as Generation X, now I’m hearing people refer to young adults as Generation Y. I know that cultural events, political experiences, economic issues, and new technology has changed our generation’s way in which we communicate and think about our future and relationships. I feel that though our generation is more intelligent, I definitely feel this generation is more selfish and lack general communication skills.

Generation Y has so many issues that discredit the formation of meaningful relationships. There are more fatherless families. More people live life above their means financially. And, as more women look not to marry, and seek to wait to have kids until they are economically prepared for the cost, because they are more financially savvy (and that’s not a bad thing), I fear that our generation in a sense has lost the ability to feel and give real love. I even feel that popular music and the social media is trying to substitute love for sex, yet they are too completely different things. Where’s the love?

Though I am a part of Generation Y and this hipster culture… as we have begun to substitute text messaging and emailing for long telephone calls and quality time, I still have not lost the desire to engage in meaningful conversations. All I need to know now is, what is my type… everyone has a type of person they are attracted to, and I need to figure that out and get on with life.

What Do You Believe In?

I was watching a famous celebrity on a talk show today, as he was discussing the various things in his life. One thing he said really stirred up my spirit, because it’s something that touched a topic I deal with all the time; being true to yourself. He talked about how one of the hardest things for someone to do, is for them to be true to themselves… especially when everybody is watching.

To really understand myself, I really have to ask myself questions all the time. I think sometimes I don’t even realize how diverse and complex I am, until I hear my own answers to these questions. I try to answer questions like these:

What do I really believe? Am I doing the right things? Am I surrounding myself with the right friends? Am I focusing my time on things that are positive?  Am I looking out for myself and my well-being, as I make decisions? Do I really even know what I want? What do I have to do in order for me to feel like I “Made It”?

I feel for me, and it maybe this way for most people, that it is what we believe in, that ultimately drives our actions. But, how do you feel when you find out that the people/things in which you placed your trust in were of no value, and your trust was misplaced? What do you say to yourself when you realize that the people who you thought were your friends, don’t even love you enough to answer their phone when you call? And, though I’m a very confident person and I want to invest my time and energy into the things that are the most valuable… I know it is imperative that I have a clear understanding on what I consider to be valuable, because it seems like everyday I’m finding myself in a situation where I’m making critical decisions about my future, my relationships, and my career.

One thing I feel that I have to do more, is to stand up for the things I believe in. And, it starts with knowing exactly what I want and what I believe, and knowing how I feel about it. Life is more than just waking up in the morning, and eating, talking, and doing whatever else just to get that day over with. I am beginning to recognize more than ever, that I am going to be held responsible for the time that I spend everyday living my life. And, no one has to hold me accountable, because I hold myself accountable.

So when you sit down to ask yourself, “what do you believe in?” Think about it, you might want to ask yourself questions like… Do you believe in love? Do you want real friendships? And then ask yourself, “what are you doing to make your wants a reality, and do your actions correlate to your beliefs?” Because I think that it will help you focus and keep yourself accountable.

A New Year

New beginnings… I feel that this year will be a year of new beginnings and new accomplishments. However, though I feel this year will bring a newness of life, I also understand that it’s not going to come easy. I can see that this year will also be a year of separation and investment… as I have already begun to separate myself from various pursuits and people, so that I can invest the necessary time and energy into the things that will ultimately help me achieve my goals in life.

Day 1 of 2013 was a great illustration of how this year will ultimately be for me. I remember spending New Year’s Eve at my apartment sitting on my roommate’s couch working on my laptop all during the night, without any care for celebration or desire to be anywhere else. I was perfectly content. Sitting and working, focused on trying to do what I needed to do in order to survive and thrive in this town in California called the City of Angels.

Everyday is a new day to create something, accomplish something, listen and learn about something, or speak some words of life into someone. And, as I become busy with all that goes into simply living life in Los Angeles, I have had to evolve to be a better manager of time; and subsequently, it allows me to see clearer just how fast time flies. I was just thinking today about how January is almost over, and February is just a little over a week away. Where has all of my time gone?

In the past few months, I saw that the more attention I paid to my current everyday circumstances, which may or may not have included time spent managing relationships, pursuing things of little consequence, etc…. the less attention I paid to achieving the goals that I want to achieve in my life.

Some may say that time goes by fast when you’re having fun, and I believe that’s a true statement. The Bible says that this life in which we live is just for a moment…

James 4:14 says “Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”  

Last night, as I was driving back home; I was listening to a song called 100 years, by Five for Fighting, on the radio as I was driving back to my friend’s apartment. I had just finished spending some time with a young lady at a downtown coffee shop. In my car, hearing the lyrics of the song, I just felt an overwhelming urgency to just value, embrace, and be wise about how I spend my time, and also who I spend it with.

I believe this new year of 2013 will be awesome! I can already see myself doing things I’ve never done before, like spending the night camping out on the beach, visiting winery’s walking the vineyards picking fresh grapes from the vine, or whatever. And, guess what?? This year I’m even taking a new attitude towards seeking relationships with women. I received a revelation this week to stop pursuing girls… yes, I know that sounds crazy! My new mindset is to wait… I feel I will find her, and she will find me, as I begin my new journey in this life in the City of Angels.

Christmas 2012

The past few days haven’t been the greatest of times for me at all. In fact, in the last two weeks I have gone through so much emotional distress and experienced unexpected tragedies which tested my inner strength and my core beliefs. So, being that today is Christmas, I really didn’t expect to feel the Christmas spirit… like singing Christmas carols, or giving and receiving gifts, or even celebrating the day with a special someone. And, honestly I really didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. But, I ended up visiting a friend’s family and I spent Christmas evening with them and two of my good friends… which was a blessing, because I really enjoyed myself and just being in a family environment.

Today in summation, I feel was a really good day. I spent it with some great people, I had fun, I smiled, and I was able to gain relationships with people I never met before. Although today was a good day, it was by no means an ordinary joyful Christmas day, it still had it’s ups and downs, to say the least.

My Christmas began, as I was awakened at the conclusion of a nightmare and the sound of my roommate talking and texting on his phone. I dreamed that I was back home in Louisiana, and my father was trying to kill me! The dream was just crazy! Now, waking up being somewhat perplexed and annoyed, I was actually feeling the stress of the day before I even got out of bed.

I won’t even go into the overwhelming feelings I felt during the day, from being away from home to feelings of loneliness… then I also had to break some bad news to a close friend of mine today. My whole day up until evening was just stressful! So, evening comes and two of my good friends and I go and have Christmas dinner at a friend’s house. It was amazing! I felt so much love in that house, they really embraced me and loved on me. And, just when I thought the day was getting better… I end up getting into a heated discussion with a friend about being judgmental… I’m like “Oh my goodness”! And as the night progressed I felt as if my honest feelings were offensive to her.

Sometimes I feel as though it’s better for me not to give my opinions at all. And, that is why I choose to be silent in many cases. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, I just feel that my perspective on issues are not easily understood. People just don’t want to spend the effort to view things from someone else’s perspective. I feel that many of my feelings come from a perspective of wisdom. And, I will never forget this passage of scripture… where it talks about wisdom in a way that shows the futility of having it. It says in Ecclesiastes 1:18 – “… in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.” Often times, I have felt that my feelings and opinions were offensive to some people around me. And, in many cases, even my friends label me as being judgmental, saying that I judge people based upon their actions or beliefs by expressing my like or dislike of who they are or what they represent.

I wanted to begin and end this day with love and solace… but, that didn’t happen in the physical natural realm. But, it did happen in the spiritual realm… because I do believe the old rhyme that I learned as a child, as it has stayed close to my heart, and it says that – “Jesus loves me, this I know, because the Bible tells me so…”

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Loneliness and Indifference

A few nights ago, I entered into a conversation that really brought my attention towards my feelings about my own attitude towards women. I ended up spending much of the night with one of my friends talking about women. However, it wasn’t just a normal vain conversation on women… this time I really focused on helping him to see how women see him, so to understand how he naturally comes across to women. Overall, I was trying to help him build confidence in himself, so that he can get the attention of a women he finds attractive; then hopefully he’ll be able to change his Facebook status from “single” to “in a relationship“.

All of sudden, I began to think to myself about my current relationship status, which by the way is “single“. I thought to myself, “…I’m talking to him about women, and I’m single just like he is!”

In that conversation my intention was to try to give him some wisdom on creating relationships, and school him on the do’s and don’t's that go along with just simply starting natural conversation with a woman he’s interested in. While doing it all in a way that would allow women to see him as a “lover”, and get him out of the FRIEND zone in his relationships with women.. because once you’re in the friend zone in a woman’s mind, it can be like a black hole and, it’s almost impossible to get out! And, though it was my intention to speak into his life, my words also spoke into my life. Because, I’m looking to find someone special in my life as well, and I know she’s somewhere out there over the rainbow.

The conversation really showed me a big reason why I’m not dating right now… I feel that I’m alone mostly because I have been dis-acknowledging my own true feelings of loneliness, which I covered up in my heart with a cloak of feelings of indifference…  That night, though I was talking to my friend about his current woes in the complicated issues involving his relationship status, in a way the conversation brought to light some feelings of my own that needed to be dealt with.

As I see more of my friends around me who are dating these beautiful women… I can’t help but feel that I have neglected my own feelings and desire for intimate companionship. I may even start back listening to R&B music again.. LOL! Get Prince, Luther, and Marvin back in the playlist. For me, just listening to the lyrics of classic R&B is almost like taking a Rossetta Stone course on Love Language, and I know I need to broaden my speech vocabulary and fine tune my mouth piece if I want the attention of a beautiful woman that thousands of other guys are flirting with each and everyday. And, maybe in a few weeks I’ll be able to change my relationship status on FaceBook as well .

When Is The Right Time To Love?

For the last few weeks I’ve been debating within myself whether or not to make the choice to love someone. I’m not talking about entering into a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, or dating, or anything like that. I’m talking more so about allowing myself to face the implications that come along with just being around someone who you want to be with, while being unsure of her feelings towards me. It’s always has been easy for me to love, because I understand that I have the ability to trust. A lot of women have trust issues, because of past relationships, or maybe they are  just confused about what they really want from someone in a relationship – because I feel a lot of girls don’t even want to be in a meaningful relationship (and vice versa w/ men).

My best friend always tells me, “Jason! You move too fast with these girls! You gotta slow it down.” And, guess what… he’s right, and I know it. Nevertheless, I also know I’m the person Elvis was singing about, when he sang the lyrics, “Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you”.

The thing is, I want to be in a relationship.. I want a girlfriend. Well, let me rephrase that, because honestly I feel a little too old to call any woman my girlfriend.. I am at a point in my life where I have now matured enough, so that I have learned to simply look at everyone as who they are without labeling them. And, let the love inside us, that we have for each other, decide the true nature of our relationship as we spend time together. But, you understand what I’m saying. In plain terms I’m saying, I don’t like to be labeled in a relationship without a real commitment. I feel if you’re not engaged or married, then where’s the real commitment… I don’t know, that’s just me. And, if there’s no real commitment then all you can do is expect some form of friendship or momentary intimacy.

So, how long should I wait to tell someone I really care about them? One week..two weeks..three months..? There is no right/wrong time... it’s always the right time to tell someone you’re attracted to them, or you care about them, if you mean it.

Just like it’s always the RIGHT time when something good happens, regardless if it happened on accident or it happened purposely. Why can’t that same understanding be applied to relationships… since loving others is good, it’s always the right time when someone makes an effort to love someone else. One of my friends puts it like this, “If she is attracted to you and is interested in you, then she’ll make time for you. Simple as that.” Somethings just are supposed to happen naturally. And, just like it takes time for a seed to produce any fruit naturally, I believe it takes time to receive the benefits of a newly developed relationship.

So I guess, when is the right time to love? I think it’s always the right time, if you find the right person..